Toxic Boundary Setting

While many of us find deeper self knowledge and the power to change through therapy, there are those who find in the language of psychology an inarguable excuse for their every word and action. Jonah Hill’s unfortunate exchange over “boundaries” with a now ex-girlfriend comes to mind. 

The discourse at the time accused him of using “therapy speak” to normalize controlling and narcissistic behavior. Rather than admitting he suffered from insecurity and asking for reassurance, he issued an ultimatum: adhere to my these rules or the relationship is over. Of course his requests were not reasonable considering Sarah Brady’s career as a professional surfer: don’t appear in a bathing suit, don’t be seen with men, etc. By framing them as “boundaries” that were essential to his mental health, Hill divested himself of responsibility for his own feelings and actions, putting everything on Brady: I’m not happy and safe because you are violating my boundaries.

In a more compassionate light, it makes sense that learning about boundaries and mental health could change the way someone thinks, acts, and interacts with others. Ideally this knowledge empowers people to adjust their lives and put less pressure on their triggers, not criticize others’ behavior. When managing a mental health condition, it’s important to be aware of your triggers so you don’t run your nervous system ragged. That doesn’t mean you now have the right to demand that others conform to your preferences. You can educate others on how you feel about certain things so that if they want to be around you they can do so in a positive and loving way. You can also avoid people who don’t respect your requests, or at least reduce the amount of attention and energy you give them. In a way, Jonah Hill was close to setting healthy boundaries, but he missed the point: no one is obligated to change their behavior based on what you feel. You are obligated to be honest about your emotions and have a conversation with your partner to see if there’s anything they can do to reassure you.

Particularly when your family of origin doesn’t have experience in recognizing and getting treatment for mental health issues, adjusting to life after a diagnosis comes with many confusing situations and conversations. What will others find acceptable? Where does it make sense for me to push, or to yield? These guidelines can be helpful in learning to set healthy boundaries around your mental health. 

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1. Understand what healthy boundaries look like.

Boundaries are our commitments to our own standards of behavior; for example, “If you yell at me I can’t continue this conversation with you.” Critically, the boundary expressed in this example is not a directive to the other person - nowhere in that sentence do you say “stop yelling at me.” Instead, you are telling the other person what you will do based on the situation, and then (hopefully) acting on your words. Having healthy boundaries does not mean controlling other people’s behavior; it means making and keeping promises to yourself.

Sometimes we communicate our boundaries and others will not accept them. “You’re being too sensitive. This is my house and I can talk how I want. You made me mad so it’s your fault I’m yelling.” If you’re unable to leave the situation and the person continues their behavior, they are definitely violating your boundaries. If you are able to leave but decide not to, despite making that promise to yourself, then you are violating your own boundaries. The difference between these situations is not always straightforward, but it’s helpful to remember that, as they say, it takes two to tango. If you tell the person you don’t want to be yelled at and they yell at you anyway, and you don’t do anything about it, you are playing a role, big or small, in perpetuating their behavior.

Of course, there are extreme situations where verbally setting boundaries is not feasible. If you are in physical danger or constant emotional distress due to another person’s actions towards or control over you, that’s not violating boundaries - that’s abuse. Abusers can’t be reasoned with or trusted to respect boundaries. It’s time to enlist others to help separate you from this person.

2. Your mental health isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility.

This oft repeated mantra can be very helpful when approaching conversations with loved ones around mental health and setting boundaries. It’s not that other people aren’t responsible for their behavior and should not be accountable when their words or actions bother you - they are, and they should be. At the same time, you yourself have a part to play in managing expectations, communicating in a clear and respectful way, and undertaking the work and/or treatment your care provider recommends.

Before you started to work on improving your life experience, you may have felt victimized by your emotions and physical reactions. Ideally, by working on yourself, you now feel like you have a choice whether and how to react to a given impulse. This is liberating, but it also gives you the responsibility of making that better choice whenever possible, and paying attention to how you’re feeling so you can do something before it becomes impossible to deal with whatever is triggering you.

This is clearly harder than it sounds, and there’s no reason to make it harder on yourself by, for example, willingly depriving yourself of things that might comfort you. A few methods of preparing yourself to stay grounded regardless of your circumstances include:

A. Take your medication.

Whether it’s a prescription written by your doctor, or a simple thing you do that makes you feel better (talking to a friend, going on a run, watching your favorite miniseries) pay attention to what helps you feel grounded and empowered and don’t forget to include it in your life. In some cases a person with mental health challenges may feel compelled to avoid taking the medicine or action they need to feel more present and in control. They may even think they don’t deserve to feel better, or don’t need help to feel better. The reasons are complicated, but the result is the same - if you avoid the things that improve your mood and sense of safety, you will not feel good, and you will likely take it out on other people.
Most importantly, take your medicine even when you’re feeling good. Like many changes in our lives, a regimen of medication, exercise, or cultural exploration work best when used over time, not as an emergency intervention when it’s already too late.

B. Carry a keepsake.

Whether it’s a fidget toy, a keychain, a religious medal, or a worry stone, having something on hand that you can grab when you start to feel triggered can be physically grounding. Ideally the object should be something that can really take a beating, that you can squeeze as tight as you can without breaking, or rub repetitively without disintegrating. Researchers working on attention deficit disorders have discovered that even minor physical activity raises levels of dopamine and norepinephrine, which is often how ADHD medication works. Having something meaningful in your pocket or bag can also keep reminding you that you have a life outside this situation that you can get back to once the storm has passed.

C. Stay snacked up and hydrated.

It’s a great idea to pack snacks and water with you wherever you go since our ability to tolerate stress steeply declines when we’re hungry and thirsty. Trail mix won’t prevent a manic episode, but having something sweet and salty to grab and munch when you’re not feeling good at least occupies your mouth and hands to give you a second to think. Plus, sweets in particular influence your brain chemistry, triggering dopamine release which can be positive for your mood and energy. In other words, sometimes we just need a little treat. :)

3. Set boundaries early and often to avoid blindsiding people in your life.

Don’t wait for someone to violate a boundary before you communicate it to them. Your feelings may seem straightforward, understandable, and even obvious to you, but others can be oblivious through little to no fault of their own. If you avoid communicating your boundaries to the people in your life, you are setting yourself up to build some serious resentments - that’s how little slights become enormous transgressions. It can be scary, embarrassing, or simply uncomfortable to set boundaries with someone for the first time, but as is often the case in speaking our truth, the more challenging it feels, the more worthwhile it is to do.

In romantic relationships, boundary setting early and often is crucial, and can naturally come up as you’re getting to know one another. Boundary setting looks like setting expectations for one another’s behavior before it becomes a fight. We can’t predict everything that will set us off so leave room for grace and forgiveness, but open the conversation early so that it can flow more naturally once the whims of fortune have their way with your life. Something that seriously bothers you might represent something comforting or enjoyable to the other person, and they might be taken aback when you let them know the impact of their actions. Don’t be discouraged. It may take time and require patience, but if the relationship is worth preserving (aka if the other person seems reasonably prepared to accommodate you to the best of their ability) you can trust that this early work will pay off. It can take time for loved ones to reshape their reflexes, and positive affirmation supports that transition much better than immediate criticism.

4. Give other space to be messy.

There are many schools of thought that assert the only way to be emotionally healthy is to cut “toxic” people out of your life. While this sounds great in principle, the definitions of “emotionally healthy” and “toxic” are key to practicing this responsibly. Emotionally healthy doesn’t mean you’re totally serene at all times, and someone having messy emotions doesn’t make them inherently toxic. Plus, ghosting someone doesn’t necessarily heal any harm you feel they have caused you. We can’t assume that others are always aware of how we feel, or that they are never absorbed by their own emotions. Whether they share the mental health challenges you experience or not, everyone is subject to being overwhelmed by their feelings, right or wrong. Don’t focus on when others mess up - focus on what they do when they mess up. Do they try to soften the blow? “I’m sorry I know you hate when I do this. I just feel really upset right now.” Do they offer a solution? “I can see I upset you, is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” We’re not perfect, and it’s not fair to stonewall someone and call it a boundary just because they had a bad day or week. If a loved one is acting a little squirrely and triggering you, but you recognize it’s in response to something that won’t last forever, try to give yourself a little space so they have room to be themselves without hurting you.

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Boundary setting is both a subtle art and a simple conversation. If you’re having trouble articulating your boundaries, or dealing with a loved one who can’t seem to understand them, a therapist can help identify points of common ground where the two of you can meet safely until you come to a meeting of minds.They can also help you recognize when you should step forward and explain yourself, and when it’s better to leave the situation and tend to your own wellbeing in privacy. Regardless of how you proceed, keep in mind that it’s not ideal to control others, but it’s wonderful to influence them in such a way that you communicate better and enjoy one another more.

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