Hi, I’m Allison and I’m a Marriage and Family Therapist. Every week I talk to all different dynamics of relationships. It’s a pretty cool job! Welcome to Ask Allison, a series where I am answering your relationship questions. People on their own are complex – and then we combine all of those complexities into relationships. Tricky moments are going to happen, so let’s talk about it! To submit questions, please email amilewsky@sagetherapy.com. Identifying information has been changed to ensure confidentiality.

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Katie: Once my partner and I start arguing we just spiral. How do we get through our fights?

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What is Co-Regulation?

We often hear the word regulation in therapy spaces but what is co-regulation? Co-regulation is when we translate these calming skills into partnered (or group) work. Two or more people engage in actions or activities that help them process and manage their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Practicing these skills can always be useful, but in particular I am going to talk about high stress and conflict heavy moments.

Recognize how your fights normally go. As things escalate, can we feel that moment just before we feel out of control? Before we say things just to win or to hurt the other person? The goal is to stop before then. Conflict is normal, healthy, and purposeful- it helps us learn and grow in our relationships. Even if partners share similar values and beliefs, they don’t have the exact same life experience and their perspectives are going to be different. So to work through these different understandings and to problem solve productively, we have to understand when to stop a fight and when to start co-regulating.

Tolerating low level conflict is essential for healthy couples. This is the space where we disagree but we still feel able to actively listen and engage with care. Further along into high intensity conflict, it’s best to recognize the signs that lead up to emotional flooding. This is the boiling point where we disengage psychologically to protect ourselves (Gottman & Silver, 2015). We go into fight or flight and we say or do something we regret later. 

Sometimes it helps to map it out with a partner so that everyone knows what it looks like. Does our face get hot? Do we hear our voices getting louder and louder? Do we feel like we are about to go for our partner's achilles heel just to ‘win’ the argument? Or, do you tune out completely and stop hearing and seeing what is happening around you? Notice the signs that you have left a productive space for conversation and are just escalating up towards a point of no return. It’s before these moments that regulation/co-regulation works best to calm our nervous systems.

To be clear, I am not saying that we should ignore or dismiss our emotions. They are so important - they keep us in tune with our inner experience. They tell us, ‘hey this matters to me! I am getting worked up because this feels important!’ So while I would never tell you to ignore your emotions, it is healthy to understand them and decide how you want to react outwardly with them.

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What does it look like?

Here are some examples from real couples who have come to see me. One size does not fit all though. You may have to try a few out before you find the right fit for your body and your relationship. Get creative! I suggest talking about it ahead of time when you’re in a calmer state so that you agree on what the plan is.

Do Together:

• Call a timeout - THIS ONE IS ESSENTIAL
  
  •  Walking away can feel counterintuitive to problem solving, but sometimes it is our best bet. It takes at least 20 minutes for our bodies to actually come down and regulate so this is a minimum amount. The Gottmans recommend keeping the pause under 24 hours though as this can start to feel like a battleground for who will ‘break’ (Lusignan, 2024).
• Use a codeword
  
  • When you have an agreed upon code word or phrase ahead of time, hitting ‘stop’ isn’t malicious. It’s actually an ‘I love you’. It says, ‘I’m stopping this fight before our anger completely takes over because I want to work this out with you’.
• Listen to music
  
  • Choose music that helps you process the anger/hurt/sadness or choose music that helps you feel differently and more centered
• Dance it out
  
  •  Any Greys Anatomy fans here ? After another explosion/earthquake/heartbreak combo Meredith and Cristina danced it out. They regulated together through movement and letting go

• Do something ridiculously goofy
  
  • Disclaimer - know what humor does to your partner in tough moments! For some, it comes off as insincere and will absolutely be no help. For others though, I have seen it do wonders to laugh together and remember that they actually like each other.
• Go for a walk
  
  • Movement does amazing things to help us regulate
• Embrace or touch in some way
  
  • Again, depends on how you and your partner operate. This can be calming to those who find comfort in touch or the gentle pressure of a hug… but it can also continue to escalate things when touch is overwhelming to you.
• Mirror each other while doing some deep breathing
  
  • No need to do anything fancy here - just fill your lungs to capacity by breathing in through your nose and letting it all out through your mouth for a couples cycles

Agree to Do Separately:

• Journal 
  
  • Collect your thoughts in one spot. Actively choose which parts of this entry could be helpful when you return to the conversation with your partner.
• Read a comfort book or magazine
• Watch a comfort show
• Identify specifically what triggered you 
  
  • (and then talk about it later)
• Anything from above that feels better on your own instead of with your partner

Once you have completed the 20 minute to 24 hour pause it's important to return to the discussion. Regulating in itself does not offer the solution but allows us to return to a state when we can approach disagreements with care.

If you are interested in having more support around this, please reach out to our lovely intake team to get started with one of our therapists.

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References

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony Books.
• Lusignan, K. (2024, June 25). Love smarter by learning when to take a break. The Gottman Institute.