Ask Allison: Choosing a Special Valentines Day Gift

Hi, I’m Allison and I’m a Marriage and Family Therapist. Every week I talk to all different dynamics of relationships. It’s a pretty cool job! Welcome to Ask Allison, a series where I am answering your relationship questions. People on their own are complex – and then we combine all of those complexities in relationships. Tricky moments are going to happen, so let’s talk about it! To submit questions, please email amilewsky@sagetherapy.com. Identifying information has been changed to ensure confidentiality. To kick things off, we’ll start with the holiday of love - Valentines Day. 

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Dave, 31, asks: “What am I supposed to do for Valentine's day? I’ve done what I’m supposed to and gotten the chocolates with the stuffed bear, but every year my wife looks disappointed.”

You can see it on the shelves of many stores - holidays fuel the market. We’ve been fed the narrative that chocolate and roses are the key to a good Valentine's day.  And maybe they are for your relationship, but what happens when we look and listen beyond consumerism? It’s important to ask ourselves why we feel compelled to buy these gifts. Do they hold meaning and joy or does it feel compulsory? If your goal is to just receive a check mark for the holiday, then feel free to stop reading here. If you want to deepen your connection and make a lasting impression, let’s keep talking!

Whether physical or not, the gifts that make lasting impacts are ones that create, hold, and share meaning. My biggest piece of advice in most situations is ‘add curiosity’. When we become more curious about the world around us, specifically the world we create with our loved ones, we unlock so much. Why does my partner keep bringing up an old memory? Or, what does it mean if my partner repeatedly draws my attention back to the same thing? Why does my partner often touch my arm or hand before they begin speaking? All of these scenarios hold subtext beneath the text. They invoke the idea of bids for connection - lets explore it!

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What are they?

Bids are attempts at drawing another in. They are an outreach for connection, affirmation, attention, and affection.

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What do they communicate?

Not only do they communicate that your partner is present, but that they also want to share that moment with you. They are a metaphorical and sometimes literal outstretched hand towards you. They say, ‘I want to tell you what’s going on in my world right now’.

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What do bids look like?

Bids are described as ‘turning towards’ moments. Even when our partners may not physically turn towards us, they are asking us to lean in and listen. They can be non-verbal like a tap on the shoulder to look out the window or a clearing of the throat to draw your attention to a finished art project. Below are some examples of verbal bids from the Gottman Institute, a leading contributor to relationship research.

Why are they important?

Research shows that couples who stay together turn towards 86% of bids whereas couples that split average only 33% (Gottman & Silver, 2015). When we understand how our partners bid for our attention and affection, we understand more about how they reach out to us for connection. Using this framing, we can better pay attention to the desires, needs, hopes, and dreams that they are trying to share with us.

Attention to bids is the key to choosing gifts that stand out. Exchanging things that communicate ‘I was listening’ or ‘I noticed’makes an impact. It makes our partners feel special. I’d like to clarify here that they don’t have to be physical gifts. Value doesn't always come from a price tag. Gifting can be about stuff, but it can also be time or acts of service. Here are some places to start no matter what your means:

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‍1. Make them feel really seen, heard, and listened to

This past Christmas my partner made me cry in the best way by signing us up for couple dance classes. It wasn’t on my wish list but he listened when I talked about how much I love to dance and noticed how I always pull him onto the dancefloor at weddings. I felt like he really understood my hopes and desires in a way that continued to create connection.

2. The promise of something to come in the future

Turn small bids into an extended moment through a planned date night with quality time together. Or plan a series of date nights that will happen once a month for six months. Plan something that emphasizes your commitment to the relationship for the long haul.‍

3. Try something new together

Have you ever heard your partner start a sentence with ‘why haven’t we…’ or ‘wouldn’t it be cool to…’? Make this a reality! Bond through a new experience.

4. Notice something they need but haven’t asked for

Maybe your partner works 12 hour shifts at the hospital and always comes home with sore feet. Book them a massage package or create an at home spa night. Notice the things that could bring them comfort or peace.

5. Maybe they really do love flowers and chocolates

After listening to them, you may come to the conclusion that chocolate really does bring them joy. Go for it !

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Every person and therefore every relationship is different. One gift does not fit all. Respond to their bids and lean into curiosity.

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References

• Brittle, Z. (2015, April). Turn Towards Instead of Away. The Gottman Institute. http://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage  work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony Books.

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