Seeing Love In The Face of Heartbreak: Keeping Love In Our Heart After A Breakup Or A Change In Relationship Status

 "Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars." —Violeta Parra

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It is difficult to imagine breakups in a positive light, due to societal norms that emphasize finding a "one and only true love" or that equate an end of a relationship with failure, but by re-examining these beliefs and cultural expectations, we can see that love endures and evolves far beyond traditional relationships. Breakups, often seen as setbacks, can actually offer opportunities for personal growth and fostering new perspectives on love.

Reinventing A Loving Partnership

First off, not all relationships need to end completely. When a relationship is pulling apart, it can sometimes be revitalized in ways that open the door to a more loving or passionate connection. This approach may not be for everyone, but those willing to lean into self awareness, transparency, and healthy amounts of communication,  may find that progressive dating approaches within the umbrella of ethical non monogamy provide new perspectives. People that practice polyamory or relationship anarchy, for example, are often able to form flexible agreements that leverage their relationship’s strengths. A loving couple with incompatible sexual desires, for example, may agree to stay together in a loving domestic partnership while supporting each other's outside sexual fulfillment. Or a couple struggling with domestic agreements may find that their sexual connection intensifies after having split into two separate households. Another example might be a partnership that has lost romance, de-escalating into queerplatonic friendship—a connection that allows a deep emotional bond without a romance component. When we open our minds to new relationship frameworks, we may discover overlooked opportunities.

Cultivating More Love in Non-Romantic Relationships

When restructuring a relationship is not feasible and a breakup is inevitable, we can sometimes utilize the resulting freed-up time and energy, by directing it toward building intimacy within non-romantic relationships that have gone neglected. For example, we may have been lovingly connecting with a friend, but holding back on certain activities or sharing due to societal stigma, or fear of upsetting a spouse. An example of this can sometimes be seen in heteronormative relationships as a husband having jealousy over his wife spending time with a close male friend, even when the connection is platonic. By alternatively leveraging a relationship anarchy framework, a person may be able to view all interpersonal connections organically - free from worry over societal expectations or unhelpful self-judgement, previously held in place due to mono-normative culture. The end of a romantic relationship provides opportunity for reevaluating and prioritization of time and attention so that additional loving connections may be explored.

Fostering Self-Love

And finally there is self love. Taking the time to reflect on our experiences and priorities during a breakup can also be crucial for personal growth and future relationships. By looking inward, we can identify areas where we may have compromised our own values or neglected our needs. This newfound awareness might allow us to establish clear boundaries and non-negotiables for future partnerships, ensuring that we are respected and valued in our relationships. Additionally, breakups can provide an opportunity to reconnect with ourselves and rediscover our passions. We may have more time and energy to devote to hobbies, interests, or personal projects that we’ve put on hold. This can lead to more self-fulfillment and independence, reducing our reliance on others for validation and happiness, allowing a richer, more authentic lifestyle to flourish. Ultimately, the process of self-reflection and rediscovery can help us build a stronger relationship with ourselves. By prioritizing our own well-being, we become more confident and resilient. We can learn to recognize our self worth and set healthy boundaries in ways that ensure we live with more intentionality, instead of merely reacting to others or to societal demands.

Some Questions to Consider

• Are non-traditional relationship structures something worth considering? Do you have the emotional resilience and energy to work through potential societal stigmas or challenging emotions that may come with them, such as jealousy or fear of judgment by others?
• Do you feel diversity in how you lovingly connect within a variety of interpersonal relationships, or do you feel that sometimes you hold back and wish things felt “more whole”, or different?
• Do you rely solely on others for happiness and find yourself judging yourself when single, or do you feel the strength, calm, and confidence that comes with self-validation?
• Do you prioritize self by enforcing boundaries and intentionality within relationships? Do you foster confidence and authenticity in how you form relationships, or do you feel frustrated by societal norms or fear of judgment by others?

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Additional Resources

• Are You Ready to be Polyamorous? - Multiamory Podcast
• The Relationship Anarchist - Website‍
• Self Love is The New Relationship Goal - Article