Using “Let Them:” Psychology for Emotional Balance

Introduction

If your social media algorithms look anything like mine, you may have come across the Let Them Theory. This theory was coined and popularized by author and motivational speaker Mel Robbins. In her book, Robbins mentions that this theory is based on principles of psychology such as Radical Acceptance. This article will explain the Let Them Theory and will relate it to concepts used in therapy to help people manage emotions, expectations, and relationships by confronting our connection with control. 

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The “Let Them Theory”

The first part of this theory is, simply, to let them. Robbins urges readers to let people make their own choices or to let your boss make decisions you don’t agree with. In moments where you feel frustrated with another person or group, take a step back, take a breath, and simply let them move forward with their own actions. 

What may not be entirely clear in the clips that we see online of the Let Them Theory is that it is a two-pronged approach. The second part of this theory is let me. This part gets at personal responsibility and personal agency; it allows us to take the power over what is actually within control instead of worrying about possible outcomes or hoping that people will read our minds. 

Let me is a critical part of this theory, because if we just let people make decisions, exclude us, and accept this, we risk feeling lonely, detached, and having a false sense of control. Let me, Robbins says, is the “power move.” This balances the scale toward a sense of true control, responsibility, compassion, and understanding. 

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Letting go can be hard

It is no surprise that many of us get lost in thought spirals that attempt to predict certain outcomes. Robbins normalizes this on page 30, saying, “All human beings have a hardwired need for control.” This hardwiring is meant to help humans plan for survival. This is why these thought spirals can feel so all-encompassing: your body is quite literally in survival mode. 

It is only natural, then, that it would be hard for many people to “let go” of these thoughts. The framing of “let them” helps us to recognize that certain things are simply outside of our control, and “let me” helps the brain refocus on what is reasonably within our control. This allows the nervous system to regulate and often provides a sense of relief. It is okay if this feels hard to conceptualize or implement – it does not by any means have to be perfect. 

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Let them is based in psychology

In psychology, the concept of locus of control refers to the degree to which a person believes they have control over outcomes in their lives. Having an internal locus of control means that a person believes that they are responsible for their actions and outcomes. Having an external locus of control means that a person believes that outcomes in their lives are the result of other people’s actions or circumstances that are outside of their control (VeryWell Mind). 

The Let Them Theory encourages a high internal locus of control. Undesirable outcomes are not a reflection of our ability or self worth. See some of the resources at the bottom of this article to assess your own locus of control and for tips and tricks around achieving a higher locus of control.

‍Radical acceptance is a core tenant of dialectical behavioral therapy that can be useful in processing and coping with difficult emotions. All emotions are healthy to experience until they reach the point of rumination or misery. Radical acceptance can help to relieve the emotions that are trying so hard to protect you from pain when really, they are prolonging it. 

Similar to Robbins’ theory, radical acceptance implores a person to go toward a situation instead of avoiding it or wishing it were different. While avoidance or rumination may provide immediate relief, difficult emotions are deferred and compounded with these approaches. Naming the uncomfortable truth, like, “I lost a job that was extremely important to me” or “A person who means the world to me is no longer in my life,” can actually help to regulate anxiety around these truths.

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Limitations 

Do not apply Let Them in cases of active abuse. It can be a helpful tool to process after the fact, but safety takes precedent in these cases. Robbins also points out that while Let Them can be applied to kids, her book is for adults implementing this theory.

Politics is another tricky area. Using Let Them here can feel, Robbins says, like you’re giving up (page 75). To an extent, let them, let me can be helpful in that it can help to assess what is within your control. With today’s political climate, ”letting them” does not mean giving up. Instead, it encourages you to find what is within your power. Through this lens, the Let Them theory can be a tool to reassess where your effort and energy is directed (think: community efforts, contacting your representatives, and staying connected).

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Conclusion

Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory is popular for a reason: it helps people find relief from our minds and the human need for control. This article expanded upon psychology principles of locus of control and radical acceptance. Please see below for further reading and resources to integrate these principles into your life and your healing. 

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Additional Resources

• TherapistAid: Radical Acceptance Examples (DBT Skill)
• Practicing Radical Acceptance worksheet (MHA Wabash Valley)
• Understand your locus of control and how it shapes and moves you (BetterUp article by Elizabeth Perry, ACC) 

References

• Psych Central article “What Radical Acceptance Really Means” https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-it-really-means-to-practice-radical-acceptance#when-to-use-it
• The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins https://www.melrobbins.com/letthemtheory‍
• VeryWell Mind article “Locus of Control and Your Life” by Kendra Cherry, MSed. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-locus-of-control-2795434