Supporting A Loved One With Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD)

Dry January. Sober October. “Sober Curious.” In the last few years, more and more people are reevaluating their relationship with alcohol. This is great news because,  according to research, 11% of US adults 18 or older suffer from Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD). 

It is often said that AUD is a family disease due to its many ripple effects. And while there are many avenues of treatment for those with the disorder, it can be hard as a loved one to know how to best provide encouragement or to find support for your own journey. With this in mind, here are a few things that can help. 

‍

The First Step

According to both Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Al-Anon (a support group for families and friends of those with AUD), the first step in recovery is to admit that you are powerless over alcohol and that your life has become unmanageable. 

That’s right. You, too, are powerless over alcohol. What this means is that you are not responsible for someone’s drinking, nor are you responsible for getting or keeping them sober. 

This often feels frustrating and it can be extremely hard to support someone with AUD without falling into a pattern of co-dependency. Working to focus on what is within your control can help you keep yourself safe mentally, emotionally and, in some cases, physically. The 3Cs (taken from Al-Anon) can serve as a helpful mantra:

1. I didn’t CAUSE it
2. I can’t CURE it 
3. I can’t CONTROL it 

‍

Educate Yourself

Unfortunately, AUD is often stigmatized as a choice or a failure of willpower. Learning more information about AUD as a chronic disorder can help you better understand it and reduce your own potential biases around what your loved one is experiencing. 

For example, as you will notice, this blog post refers to Alcohol Use Disorder rather than Alcoholism. Even the words we use when speaking about it can help reduce the stigma.  

Communicate Your Feelings 

Recovery is difficult, but so is providing support to someone in it. Do not dismiss your own stressors or concerns because you feel as though they “can’t compete” or you will “make it worse.”  Open and candid discussions about what both you and your loved one need from each other in terms of support are important to have on an ongoing basis. Some things to keep in mind: 

1. Create a Safe Space for  Honesty: Addiction thrives on secrets and deception. Making a commitment to allowing each of you to explore your emotions without defensiveness or judgement can go a long way in building trust and security.
2. Keep the Focus on the Present: Continuing to bring up old hurts and mistakes does not create the best environment for progress. Work to ensure that  conversations are in service of moving forward. 
3. Discuss Potential Triggers: Again, you are not responsible for keeping your friend or family member sober, but talking with them about how you can avoid potentially activating situations for them can be helpful while also showing solidarity and encouragement.
4. Establish Limits and Boundaries: It is important to explore these with your loved one as it relates to their actions and behavior, especially in the event of a relapse.

Remember that Relapse is a Setback, Not a Failure

While research is limited, it suggests that two thirds of those treated for AUD will relapse in the first 6 months. As a result, it is helpful to devise a joint plan for what to do should this happen. 

Seek Outside Support 

Community is an imperative part of the recovery journey. Think about people in your own life that feel safe to confide in and share your struggles with. There are also organizations designed to offer guidance and solidarity, some of which are listed below. As a therapist, I would be remiss if I didn’t express that Individual and/or Couples Therapy can also provide a safe space to process feelings and increase healthy communication. 

‍

One Last Thing

The continued stigma surrounding AUD often leads to feelings of shame and a desire to keep struggles a secret. The more you can be honest with yourself about what you need, the better support and encouragement you will be able to provide to your loved one throughout their journey. 

‍

Support Resources

• Al-Anon.org
• Alateen.org
• FamiliesAnonymous.org
• SmartRecovery.org
• Learn2Cope.org
• Recovering-Couples.org
• ElunaNetwork.org (Camp Mariposa)