How Can My Partner And I Fight More Productively?

Over a long term relationship you’ll likely encounter serious differences that spark intense conversations. A strong relationship based on shared values can often overcome these differences and find common ground. Common arguments with romantic partners include:

• How you make and spend your money
• How much time you spend with one another’s families and friends
• Division of labor at home
• Life plans - where to live, whether to have pets, whether to start a family, etc.

If you are committed to making a life with your partner, you need to be able to talk about these often difficult topics. If you and your partner never fight, it could be because you agree about everything…but it could also be that one or both of you are repressing your emotions to avoid conflict. 

Avoiding arguments nearly guarantees that unfair and toxic fights are in your future because everything you ignored, pushed away, or absorbed will eventually come back up at the worst moments. This is how a conversation about leaving your shoes where someone can trip over them becomes an argument about whether you should be together in the first place. Using fair fighting techniques early and often when you run into conflict with your partner gives you a reliable toolbox to mitigate harm to one another no matter how difficult things are. 

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What is Unfair Fighting?

A good argument can be like a debate, except the winner isn’t the person arguing - it’s the course of action you agree to take as the result of your discussion. Much like a formal debate, a fair argument adheres to certain rules so that debaters focus on the substance of the issue. However, when an argument touches on a difficult subject, or when we’re not feeling like ourselves, we can default to methods of fighting designed to shut the other person up and bully or shame them into agreeing with us. The more heated the argument becomes, the more personal the tactics become until we depart from the subject at hand and start attacking the other person directly.

Your partner is not a stranger on the street who hit your car; they are not a dog who chewed up your shoe; they are not a bothersome roommate. Your partner is your equal, and you should give them the same respect during an argument that you would give to anyone else you consider your equal. For example, if you wouldn’t yell at a coworker over a disagreement, you certainly should not be yelling at your partner. 

That doesn’t mean you can’t be vulnerable and honest with your partner; vulnerability and honesty can make arguments even more productive and give you a deeper understanding of one another. Just don’t let vulnerability become immaturity and honesty become callousness.

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Fair Fighting Rules

These rules (or guidelines or tactics if you prefer) are based on a number of studies of married couples and reflect how they are able to maintain strong, loving, and respectful long-term bonds with their partners. If you’re interested in learning more about conflict resolution in romantic relationships we recommend “Fight Right” by  Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman and Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute. This married couple has conducted many long term studies on relationships and has plenty of great resources for couples seeking deeper connection. Notably, their research has indicated that a couple’s success depends not on whether they fight, but on how they fight.

By the way, these rules are not just for fights with your partner. They can help you solve conflicts with friends, family, and coworkers as well. Also, most of the research we reference here is written addressed to monogamous couples in long term relationships - feel free to apply your own relationship dynamic here, whether you’re casually dating, polyamorous, or any other arrangement you can think of.

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1. Stick to the issue at hand and stay in the present.

When you or your partner feel attacked, you may be tempted to reach into other areas of your lives to recruit their other issues in support of your side. There are a lot of reasons for this:

• The thing they’re mad about is not as serious as things they do that make you mad, so you discount their criticism by showing they messed up too/worse than you did.
• You already feel you are making sacrifices and adjustments for one another that you have never discussed, and asking for this additional change brings up the thought of all the other things that aren’t fixed yet.
• You sincerely feel that this issue is related to other issues in your relationship and you think addressing both will help solve both at the same time.

As tempting as all this is, the behaviors above do not contribute to a productive discussion. Instead, they create an atmosphere of finger pointing and shame and distract you both from the task at hand. If your partner is unhappy because you made them late for work today, don’t bring up the time they made you late for a flight four years ago. If you’re mad at your partner because they didn’t pay the electric bill on time, they shouldn’t counter with critiques of your housekeeping skills. Limit your argument to the issue that is right in front of you, and bring up the other things that bother you another time. You will find that taking on arguments one small piece at a time with room for breathing in between makes other discussions way easier and less heavy since there is less riding on it.

2. Avoid extreme binary language.

“You never listen to me.” “You always take their side.” Harsh statements that include words like “always” and “never” may feel true when you’re upset about something, but they rarely are. If your partner truly “never” listened to you, you wouldn’t likely be in the relationship in the first place. If you open an argument with this kind of language you’re putting your partner in a defensive position where they feel the need to prove that you’re wrong about them.

Instead, focus on the here and now and try not to be sweeping in your judgment. “You’re acting like a jerk right now because you said this to me” is way more palatable and solvable than “you’re just a jerk.” By putting emphasis on the behavior instead of on the other person’s very being you are showing them this is something you can fix, not something they were born or cursed into.

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3. Hold space for one another.

You may feel powerless in the relationship, or in some other aspect of your life, and when you’re fired up from an argument that can feel like a good time to “take the power back.” This can look like giving your partner the cold shoulder when they’re talking to you, dismissing their concerns before they even finish describing them, or correcting them mid-sentence on a minor point that derails their train of thought. 

While briefly satisfying, this behavior will definitely not solve the problem between you, and will lead both of you to unspoken resentments that fester over time. Being silenced is an incredibly demoralizing and dehumanizing experience. At the very least you and your partner should be able to listen to one another, even if what the other person is saying is hard to hear. Whether you feel they’re being fair to you or not, you should give them the space to express how they feel, and they should do the same for you. You can agree or disagree, but either way you must be open to hearing and acknowledging their side. 

In addition to being good for them, listening to your partner and letting them speak is good for you - they may surprise you with what they say, clear up a misunderstanding, or give you some key information you never considered. Our partners make us better people by augmenting our life experiences with their own - don’t turn that benefit down!

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4. Don’t bring in other people - or other relationships - to back you up.

“My ex was a jerk but at least she didn’t do XYZ.” “You’re such a bully, just like your abusive dad.” Our past relationships have an effect on all of us, and it’s important to recognize that impact and work with it. Your partner’s behavior could remind you of a negative family relationship, or their present or previous connection with someone else could make you feel insecure. This is super common and not inherently toxic, but if you’re constantly bringing it up in arguments, are you even really talking to your partner, or just the ghosts of everyone around you?

As a rule of thumb, don’t bring up exes in comparison to your partner, unless it’s an unambiguously positive comparison (“you are so much more thoughtful than so-and-so ever was”). Your partner was not part of that relationship and has no way of weighing in or judging your statements - the only thing you’re telling them is that they’re failing to measure up to someone you don’t even love anymore. Additionally, using your partner’s family members to project their feelings onto them is super unfair. Your partner is an individual, and they may have complicated relationships with their family members, as do many of us. Don’t leverage that vulnerable and difficult experience into something that makes them look like “the bad guy” or forces them to choose between you and the person you’re referencing. This is a form of emotional manipulation rather than empathetic listening and consensus building, which is what your relationship actually needs.

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5. Don’t target your partner’s insecurities or use demeaning or vulgar language.

“I can’t believe you left your dirty laundry on the floor, you are so gross.” “You didn’t save any milk for my coffee, you are such a pig.” “You must be brain dead if you think you can say that to me.” There is no reason to insult your partner or reference something you know they are insecure about to make them feel or act a certain way. This is called bullying and it is never ok in a loving relationship. Many of us do a little fun name calling as a form of play fighting with our partner, saying they’re mean when they beat you at a card game or calling them crazy for some eccentric quirk. We all know, however, when we’ve crossed a line with someone from harmless teasing to verbal abuse. Even if you and your partner cuss like sailors in normal conversations, harsh language cuts deeper when one or both of you is hurting. Err on the side of caution and watch your language as best you can.

Another good tip is to realize when you are using the word “are,” as in “you are X because you do Y.” Saying your partner is inherently selfish, dirty, mean, or whatever, limits them to that state and defines them through their behavior, which isn’t fair. Your partner isn’t gross, but they may have done something gross. Your partner isn’t a pig, but they may have partaken in some pig-like behavior. We are all complex people who do things we don’t think about or understand, and sometimes those things are motivated by laziness, disregard, bad habits, or lack of emotional regulation. That doesn’t mean we are lazy, insensitive, bad people, because we all have the power to make other choices. 

See your partner in their totality - they may leave laundry on the floor sometimes, but don’t they also walk the dog, water the plants, or warm up your car for you in the morning? They may not have left you milk for your coffee this morning, but didn’t they go out of their way to get you something from your favorite bakery the other day, or made you chicken soup when you were sick? It’s fine to let them know that you don’t appreciate their behavior, but avoid attacking their character in the process.

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6. Don’t hold the relationship - or your life - hostage.

“If you don’t do this for me I’m breaking up with you.” “If you really loved me you would let me go there.” “If you go on that work trip I’m going to hurt myself.” If the survival of the relationship - and your partner, in some cases - truly depends on the result of a single argument, there is not enough of a base to build on for your future. Living with someone and sharing huge tasks from running a small business to making decisions about your children’s education means you will have to learn to compromise. There may even be times where you absolutely cannot see eye to eye on an issue, but hopefully there are many other things that tie you together and make it worthwhile to put the argument aside and focus on what’s working.

If you find yourself raising the survival of the relationship as a reason why your partner should agree with you, consider whether you will get yourself in a situation where your partner is forced to leave rather than back down - are you ready for that? If getting your way is more important than staying together, this will hurt your partner’s self esteem and confidence in the relationship, and ultimately doom you to breaking up. 

If you need to hold up an ultimatum to your partner over a disagreement, stick to something you know you can work through. “If you don’t do this for me I will feel like you don’t think my work is important.” “It would mean so much to me if you didn’t give me a hard time about visiting my family this weekend.” This sets an expectation that you have emotional boundaries they should not violate without making the consequences so dire that there’s no coming back from it. It’s fine to express anger, disappointment, sadness, or any other emotion to your partner, and they should be able to receive that information without worrying you’ll leave them. Let them hold your feelings and trust they will take you seriously without an existential threat to the relationship.

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How do you recover from a fight?

The fight is over and you’ve reached an agreement, but now you’re left facing the aftermath. Even if both of you fought fair, respected one another, and found common ground, arguing is inherently stressful. Your heart rate is likely elevated, and you probably have a few fight/flight/freeze responses locked in that you didn’t act on. 

Good for you for holding that in for the sake of a productive discussion - now it’s time to release and heal. It might be tempting to move forward as if nothing happened, and you may be required to do so by time constraints or other engagements. Whenever possible, pause to acknowledge that you got worked up, that you want to calm down, and that you will be ready to get back in step with your partner when you’ve had the chance to relax.

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1. Take Space
Your body and brain need time to reset to base level before you can go back to normal, and being alone for a bit can help. This can look like: going outside for a walk, bike ride, or short drive; listening to your favorite podcast or watching your favorite TV show with your headphones in; performing a ritual like making tea or coffee, saying a prayer, or meditating; or, connecting with someone special to you outside the relationship to talk about something unrelated, whether that’s politics, reality TV gossip, or whatever.

2. Give and accept reparative action.
If you’re still a little mad at your partner after the fight, you might want to push them away when they try to smooth things over. However, even when you’re unhappy with them, touch or kind words and actions from a romantic partner can calm you down a lot. Try to accept a hug, a compliment, or a gift with good grace even if you’re not 100% emotionally there yet. You’re both signaling to one another, “I care about you - this situation will pass and our relationship will endure.” Accept their gestures and try to offer your own when you’re ready. Avoid love bombing (excessive gifts and attention to make up for past failings with no plans to repair the behavior) and focus on small thoughtful gestures that you can do every day.

3. Do it over.
If your fight was over a bad habit and you or your partner are struggling to kick that habit, another slip-up can feel painful and even panic inducing. It takes time to change ingrained behavior, even if we have the best intentions. You don’t have to be perfect after the fight to show you took it seriously and want to change, but it’s worthwhile to be conscious of it whenever you slip back into old habits.

For example, if you have a bad habit of being impatient and speaking harshly to your partner when you’re sleepy, don’t freak out and get defensive when you do it again. Try to stop yourself, acknowledge it to your partner, and do it over again the right way. If your partner asks if you want cream in your coffee and your response is “obviously not you know I like milk,” stop for a moment and say “sorry, I’m being grumpy again. What I meant was, ‘no thanks, milk please’.” The more you do this, the more natural it will become for you, and even when you mess up, your partner will know that you care what they think, and that you’re willing to change for them.

4. Have fun with your body.
When words fail, actions can help. After a fight, we might feel tired, sad, lonely, and discouraged, and talking might seem like a lot of work. Physical touch and doing something fun together with your bodies is a great way to vent stress, soothe your nerves, and create connection. You don’t have to have makeup sex every time you fight (plus, sex might have been the subject of your argument so maybe you want to pump the brakes on that for a bit). Focus on simpler things like: sitting together in companionable silence while people watching in the park; sharing a long hug and even rocking back and forth a little to comfort one another; going on a long walk together to get a special snack; or, if you’re up for it, dancing together. Cheryl Fraser Ph.D of the Gottman Institute literally recommends “shaking your booty,” as in dancing in a silly way, as part of fight recovery. Sharing an unselfconscious moment of fun that grounds you in the present, gets you back in your body, and gives you a reason to laugh with your partner can go as far as the best apology (although the apology is a necessary ingredient here).

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What if the fights are too intense for me to handle alone?

There are mental health conditions that can make fighting with your partner more unpredictable and less productive than you would like. Borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and PTSD are all examples of conditions that impact our ability to regulate our emotions appropriately for the situation at hand. In some cases, you or your partner may be so impacted by these conditions that you literally cannot see or hear the person in front of you. Rather than responding to real events and conversations, you respond to what your compromised neurochemistry and biological systems perceive as reality. 

The mental health issues we deal with are never our fault, but they are our responsibility to manage as best we can. If you or your partner manage a mental health condition that makes all your arguments explode into huge confrontations, you both deserve support. If one or both of you refuse to seek that support and continue letting illness lead the way, you are not likely to last as a happy couple. Couples counseling and therapy for both of you individually can be a great source of information and validation that helps you both take care of yourselves and one another. It’s possible for couples to deal with serious mental health issues and still have a long and happy relationship, provided they are both willing to put in the work. We want to emphasize that a person with mental health conditions and disorders is as worthy and capable of love as anyone else. You simply may need more input from professionals and loved ones to keep you both in a healthy place.

If you and/or your partner resort to raising your voices, physically intimidating one another, destroying property, or any other form of violence on a regular basis in response to conflict, that is not a healthy or sustainable condition for a romantic relationship. It’s possible that both of you are processing trauma that makes it difficult to carry out the relationship normally, or that your family of origin is such that you can’t imagine any other kind of relationship. Both situations deserve sympathy and compassion, but they do not require anyone to be threatened by physical or emotional danger. Intimate partner violence is a serious situation that no one can handle on their own, and an abuser with unrestricted access to abusive behavior will only get worse. No one “works it out of their system” by continuing to act the same way - they only strengthen their bad behavior.

There are couples who choose to work through intimate partner violence and stay together, but the sacrifices, and injuries that result from the abusive behavior will put any relationship on unstable footing. You can love someone who is hurting even if they hurt you, but you don’t have to stay in a place where they have access to you or other people you love. They need space to work on themselves and receive help to change; you need space to do the same.  

In some situations you and/or your partner may threaten self harm or suicide to try and win arguments. This is essentially holding yourself at gunpoint and telling the other person their finger is on the trigger. Again, this behavior can arise from a host of issues, and we can have compassion and sympathy for people who are hurting, but it is not acceptable to threaten harm for either yourself or the other person as a tool for winning arguments. You might as well grab someone off the street and threaten them in the same way to influence your partner’s behavior - in both situations the relationship will only continue under the threat of violence.

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Intimate partner violence and serious emotional abuse are issues that cannot be adequately addressed here. The “Fair Fighting” rules are for couples who encounter the typical disagreement in day-to-day life and want to work through them for a more functional and fulfilling relationship. They are not meant to sustain toxic relationship dynamics. The city of Chicago offers services for both survivors and perpetrators of intimate partner violence (also known as domestic violence, although today abusive partners are not necessarily living in the same home as the partner receiving violence). Visit Chicago’s Family & Support Services to learn more, or call 877-863-6338 if you or someone you know is experience domestic or intimate partner violence.

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