Healthy Communication within the Dating Space: A Take On The New Netflix Series, Nobody Wants This
We know the trope- a rom-com where two people who are extremely different try their hardest to, against all odds, make a relationship work. From a therapist’s perspective, there are many moments where we may want to scream at the screen, “Just talk to each other! Be honest about how you feel!” It seems like through just some simple communications, the couple could save a whole lot of trouble and heartbreak. But what does it mean to have healthy communication in a relationship? In the hit Netflix series, Nobody Wants This, starring Kristen Bell and Adam Brody, we see plenty of examples that challenge the typical rom-com back and forth. With the characters’ direct communication styles, vulnerability, and honesty, we see a different type of “model” relationship on the screen. This blog will go through some of these examples demonstrated in the show, including how they can tie into Gottman’s communication tips.
The main male character, Noah (aka “hot rabbi”), presents as a man just coming out of a serious relationship who meets Joanne, a sex podcaster who often uses her serial dating fails as comedic content for her podcast and has developed a pessimistic view towards the LA dating scene. As the show progresses, we see how they meet, start dating, meet the parents, and the conflict that ensues throughout these stages. The way the couple handles conflicts is the key difference from what we may be typically used to on screen. We often see couples misinterpret another’s actions or words and rather than confronting each other about it or being honest about how their actions made them feel, they can jump to an assumption in an effort to protect themselves from further hurt or embarrassment.
Examples of Health Communication
In the beginning of the show, we see an example of healthy communication when Joanne is upset with Noah for being late and thus feels rejected. In this interaction, we see Noah taking accountability for his actions and his lateness and genuinely apologizing to Joanne. A sincere apology includes taking accountability for yourself and the hurt that you’ve caused the other person, regardless of whether or not it was intentional or you agree with their reaction. Noah’s sincerity causes Joanne to reconsider leaving and overcome this conflict. This is also a great example of clear and direct communication, where he states that he would like to continue hanging out and asks her to tell him clearly if she wants him to come along. This direct piece of communication is what gives Joanne an opportunity to make a clear decision and consent to him coming along. Through this moment, they are both clearly communicating they want to continue seeing each other rather than attempting to mindread, which can often lead to much room for misinterpretation and confusion.
Another example of how this couple avoids further conflict through communication is when Joanne expressed to Noah that she got in her head about his not responding to her text after their date. Noah explains himself and apologizes and the two reconcile. Joanne’s honesty about her reaction to his radio silence was an act of vulnerability that can be very difficult to express, especially in a budding relationship. We often feel like we don’t want to show our cards to the other person. However, vulnerability is necessary for the intimacy and authentic connection that folks typically desire. Whether it is a new relationship or not, this pattern of communication can help to encourage each other to be honest, communicate expectations, and reduce harmful misinterpretations. Being quick to confront your partner about a conflict can help avoid suppressing conflicts as they arise which can often lead to an explosion of fights. An example of such an explosion is called kitchen sinking, where a couple argues about multiple issues all at once and nothing is able to be resolved. Joanne’s direct confrontations helped the couple reach resolutions more quickly and we see the relationship strengthen with each repair.
Another clear example of healthy communication is when Noah meets Joanne’s parents. In this scene, Joanne describes getting the “Ick”, a sudden feeling of disgust or repulsion at someone’s actions or behavior. In today’s culture, the “ick” is often used as a death sentence: a reason to end a relationship or determine incompatibility. This is exactly how Joanne decides to proceed and she mentally prepares to end things with Noah as she determines he is not the person for her. Throughout the show, we learn a little about Joanne’s family history. The relationships we have with our parents tend to influence how we form relationships and connections of other dynamics as we get older. The unpredictability in Joanne's family history and dynamics appear to have a direct impact on the way Joanne views herself and her self worth, as is common with anxious attachment styles. These impacts are evident throughout Joanne's dating history and acceptance of less than ideal treatment. However, we see Noah using observation, curiosity, and emotional exploration to challenge Joanne’s instincts. Through observation, Noah is able to discern what may be a reaction to his behaviors versus a reaction that is influenced by her family history. By approaching her with immediate understanding of why her guard may be up and acknowledging her family history, he is able to help her diffuse her reaction and work through it together. He assures her, “I am on your side. I can handle you.” This helps diffuse Joanne’s mental guard, allowing her to see her own instinct of pushing people away first and allow for reconciliation while also making space for her feelings to be expressed and validated.
Although it can unalive a relationship, the "ick" is important. It is what tells you what you do and don't like and is inevitable in relationships. Just like with disagreements, the problem isn't the "ick," but how your partner responds to it.
Gottman related themes of healthy communication:
John Gottman, Ph.D, known for his work surrounding relationships and improving their sustainability, explains that communication is key to a functional relationship and allows for repair when there are ruptures within the relationship, like when Joanne got that pesky “ick”.
In his work, Gottman explains “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” and how their presence or absence can negatively or positively affect the relationship. The Four Horsemen, criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling (withdrawing and refusing to participate in conversation or interaction with a partner) are minimized in the relationship between Joanne and Noah. In fact, we see the opposite in open and healthy communication continually modeled.
Conclusion
If you don’t have the time or desire to watch “Nobody Wants This” below are a few key takeaways and tips that you can apply to your current relationships of any dynamic:
- Vulnerability - being honest about how something makes you feel and addressing it in a timely manner can help avoid resentment and explosive reactions later. One rule of thumb to use is, “if it bothers me in 24, say something in 48.” Meaning if you realize something is still bothering you 24+ hours after the incident took place, address it within 48 hours of this realization.
- Communication - It is important to be open in relationships to avoid disagreements and misunderstandings. This also means not hiding or refusing to interact with the other person in the relationship, but to go to them and express your concerns, desires, needs, and the things that you do enjoy.
- Advice - It’s important to remember that when seeking advice on your relationships from others, that their biases and desires will play into that advice as well. An example in the show is how Joanne’s sister had plenty of thoughts about Joanne’s relationship. At the end of the day, the relationship needs to fit the needs of the folks that are in it, not y’alls friends or family.
“Nobody Wants This” reminds viewers that compassionate communication and vulnerability are necessary for a healthy and functional relationship. It also reminds viewers that hurt and disappointments are a natural and necessary part of relationships. Addressing unpleasant feelings and misalignment in relationships is paramount for a long lasting, mutually beneficial relationship.
Resources:
- Understanding Gottman's Stonewalling: The Silent Destructor of Relationships
- The Gottman Institute
- Gottman’s 4 Horsemen
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