Embracing the Unseen: 5 Common Experiences of Adult ADHD Diagnosis

To all of my clients: you might be surprised to learn this…but I’m a person, too!

As a therapist, I also struggle with practicing self-care and setting boundaries with loved ones. I don’t always know the perfect thing to say to a friend who's grieving, and I occasionally fret over blurting out something awkward at a Sage Therapy event. (People find this endearing, right?)

I also have late-diagnosed ADHD.

After a lifetime of going back and forth on my decision, I finally requested a referral from my therapist to get tested for ADHD, inattentive type. The Imposter Syndrome was real, my friends. Like many folks (especially marginalized genders) who receive a diagnosis as an adult, I was never described as hyperactive growing up. I did well in school. I’ve always been a good listener. Basically, I never fit the stereotype for ADHD: a rambunctious boy running in circles at recess, shouting “squirrel!” in the middle of conversations. So, my diagnosis was overlooked. And, like many others, I suffered.

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Want to know something I learned after becoming diagnosed? 

Women often see an increase in symptomatology around puberty when hormonal fluctuations begin to happen. This also applies to the luteal phase of their menstrual cycle, pregnancy, and perimenopause/menopause. Oh – and women tend to receive later-in-life diagnoses.

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I could talk your ear off about how life-changing it is to learn something new - especially something so paramount - about yourself later in life. Instead, I’ve put together a brief list of common experiences shared by late-diagnosed ADHDers. If you find yourself nodding along emphatically to any of these points, my hope is that you feel validated and maybe a little less alone.

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Common Experiences Shared by Late-Diagnosed ADHDers:

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1. We struggle with embracing our diagnosis.

• Many folks have a hard time accepting that they’re not just using ADHD as an excuse for their laziness, messiness, selfishness, ineptitude at being a “real adult,” and other really harsh words/phrases we’ve internalized. Unfortunately, our self-perception doesn’t just change overnight. Psst..Laziness Does Not Exist!

2. We feel grief (and sometimes anger) about not receiving a diagnosis earlier in life.

• It’s not uncommon to lament over what could’ve been had we known about our neurodivergence as a child, teenager, or even young adult. What opportunities did we miss out on? …including having more self-compassion.
• To that end, many late-diagnosed ADHDers find themselves processing uncomfortable feelings towards the adults in their lives, like parents and teachers. Even if we understand intellectually that our caregivers did the best they could with the information they had at the time, it can be challenging not to harbor hurt feelings and/or resentment.

3. It’s difficult for us to share our diagnosis with others.

• What if people don’t believe me? What if they minimize my diagnosis (e.g. “If you have ADHD, you must be high-functioning.”)? Will people invalidate me (e.g. “Everyone on TikTok seems to have ADHD! Are you sure it’s even real?”)?
• A later-in-life ADHD diagnosis frequently comes as a surprise to caregivers. When updating loved ones, we might find ourselves at the receiving end of projected guilt and shame. This can look like denial, defensiveness, or even self-victimization.

4. Validation (and maybe relief).

• If I’ve learned one thing as a therapist, it’s this: we all make sense. After receiving a diagnosis, ADHDers often gain a better understanding of/appreciation for themselves. Challenges that were once internalized as character flaws can now be reframed as symptoms of a disability. We’re neurodivergent, living in a neurotypical world.

5. Hope.

• Working with clients who’ve received ADHD diagnoses as adults means I’ve experienced a lot of grief, but also lots and lots of hope. With this knowledge in hand, we have the opportunity to seek support, gain helpful tools, and develop genuine self-compassion.

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That said, I appreciate that pursuing an official diagnosis isn’t everyone’s goal, nor does it have to be. Many folks prefer to simply explore symptoms on their own or discuss challenges with their therapist. Others might benefit from the support of a processing group for women and other marginalized genders who’ve either received an ADHD diagnosis as an adult, or are currently exploring what ADHD means to them. How’s that for a subtle call to action?

That’s right - yours truly is launching a processing group for late-diagnosed ADHDers this fall! If I’ve piqued your interest, please keep your eye on Sage’s newsletters and social channels for more information, or send an email to support@sagetherapychicago.com.

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